Published December 3, 2004
we're gonna say this is the right place for this poem, as it reflects a wish of mine. which qualifies, right?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Scent of talcumn
gentle floats
through the air.
Collar of a seersucker shirt
and saltywarmyoung tears
falling from round blues eyes
to melt away soft cotton.
Red lips-wax
Brown stuble-light beard
pressed against a cheek
and fear drifts away.
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overall, i really like it. the simplicity gives it something special whilst still suggesting deeper emotions and thoughts. great imagery, it flowed quite well, but i agree, without the "and"s it probably would have read better.
"While" doesn't work for me, it implies concurrent actions, not cause and effect. The fear disappears because of the parents presence.
"Makes" seems too simplistic. Time to pull out the Thesaurus!
i liked it without the changes to tell you the truth. it was ambiguous but i liked that a lot...good work.
I like the first one you gave better (the one without "and"), but it still doesn't sound quite right. Would:
"Red lips-wax
Brown stuble-light beard
pressed against a cheek
While fear drifts away."
The problem I have with it is that there does need to be some kind of conjunction there, but "and" is too weak of a word (same with "but" and "or").
Would it BE better, even.
Would the third stanza better as:
"Red lips-wax
Brown stuble-light beard
pressed against a cheek.
Fear drifts away."
OR
"Red lips-wax
Brown stuble-light beard
pressed against a cheek and
fear drifts away."
It's funny you mention the "seersucker shirt" --I actually wrote this poem simply to use that phrase.[/quote]
Avoid using words like "to" as in "to melt away soft cotton." The line works better as "melting away soft cotton."
In the third stanza, third line, changed "pressed" to "press." Your switching verb tenses here and it makes the poem sound rather awkward.
Avoid beginning any line with "And." Most of the time, you don't need it and here, "as" works better.
Overall, though, I really liked it. Your alliteration in the fourth line is really good and (maybe you didn't do this on purpose) I like how "saltywarmyoung" is all one word.
Your imagery is superb. You created a scene that was very easy to manifest in my mind.
Nicely done.
Scent of talcumn
gentley floats
through the air.
Collar of a seersucker shirt
and saltywarmyoung tears
falling from round blues eyes
to melt away soft cotton.
Red lips-wax
Brown stuble-light beard
pressed against a cheek
and fear drifts away.